Keeping the Family Together
This post was written on June 2nd, 2011A few years ago a good friend came to me with a vacant look in her eyes. She was emotionless as she told me her marriage was failing. “Actually”, she says, “it’s already failed. We are done.” Immediately my heart beat quickened as I struggled to find the words to encourage her. “No”, I told her, “it isn’t over. You’ll see, this will pass. With hard work and prayer you’ll pull through it.” I was beaming with positive words and I believed to myself it would work.
But it didn’t.
She already moved on.
Before the final papers were signed she had found someone else to fill her void. She told me he treats her like a princess. “Yeah, well, they all do in the beginning”, I thought to myself. But she wanted more. She wanted roses and diamonds. She wanted to be swept off of her feet again like in the beginning of her first marriage. Instead of fighting for that marriage, she fled and found solace in another man’s arms.
Two young kids were angry, scared and confused. They were lost in the shuffle of going back and forth; finding no real comfort in no true home. Their mother was out on late nights, forgetting to pick them up on time. Things that were so important to her before, like helping with the youth group at church, were no longer on her radar.
And I was angry.
Our friendship — crumbled apart as she grew closer to him. But I was mostly overwhelmed with the outcome. I hate divorce. HATE it. I hate what it has become. I hate that it is used as an excuse (I realize that is not always the case), I hate how easy it is. I hate how selfish it makes people that once loved together so faithfully.
I hate what it does to family.
I am 31 years old and I have never in my life seen my mother and father speak to one another. Never. Weekends of back and forth, drop off and pick up– and they never spoke to one another. Not even on the phone. It’s been five years since I’ve spoken to my friend, but I’ve heard from her ex-husband. And to this day, they still fight every time they speak to one another. They can’t agree on a single thing… not even for the kids.
So I’m passionate about families staying together. It hurts my heart whenever I hear of divorce, even among the famous. I want couples to make it work, fight the hard fight, keep their vows and make a legacy for their family. But as naive as I sound, I’m not blind to reality. I know marriage is tough. It wasn’t designed to be easy. That’s why I spend time talking to women about the reality of it all. It’s a passion of mine.
What is your passion?
And what fuels that passion?
This post was written as a part of Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: “What are you passionate about”
June 2nd, 2011 at 7:08 am
Nice post…so many of us who are children of divorce have a commitment to making it work no matter what! Keep it up!
June 2nd, 2011 at 7:15 am
That’s a tough one. My parents are together and I secretly wished as a child that they’d just get a divorce. Why? Because they argued EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I believe in marriage but i also believe in happiness.
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 9:01 am
It is a tough one. I know if my parents would have stayed together they would have fought constantly because neither one of them wanted to work for it. And I have seen couples that just gave up on each other but stayed together for the children… that’s a sticky scenario. Life easily gets in the way. That’s why I’ve always said I hate divorce… not the people because I’m in no position to pass that kind of judgment.
Kimberly Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 12:52 pm
@SugarMama, that is so true. working on it versus just giving up…man this is a toughy isn’t it.
June 2nd, 2011 at 7:19 am
You are so right! Divorce isn’t an option for us. We will work through whatever we need to to stay together. Thankfully we haven’t had to work to hard at things.
More people need to have this view
June 2nd, 2011 at 7:24 am
What a great and sensitive passion. I too think families should stay together. Happily after is the reward for working out the tough stuff. I have a prince that treats me like a princess too, but it’s from 27 years of my careful training.
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 8:58 am
27 years! Awesome! And I love how you said “happily ever after is the reward…” So true! It isn’t automatic.
June 2nd, 2011 at 8:29 am
Sadly, I think far too many people enter the covenant of marriage with rose colored glasses. Theyre not raised, taught or counselled on what marriage TRULY is…hard work, communication, honesty, and most importantly, putting the OTHER PERSON first. Its so easy to get off track and then the most miniscule things in life can turn to complete hatred of the other person.
It makes me sad too. My husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary next month. Has it always been easy? Absolutely not. We’re a solid Christian family but at year 7 things got really bad. We let the business of life form a chasm between us. It took a life changing experience while my husband was away at our youth camp that summer to wak us both up. And Im so glad we were given another chance.
Marriage was meant to be forever. Hands down. And I agree with everything you’ve said above. My husband and I feel called to a ministry of marriage and the family someday. Not because we have it all together. But we’ve been through alot together and I guess God will use that to encourage others.
I so cant wait to meet you at BlogSugar, SugarMama. We have alot in common:)
xo
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 8:56 am
Sarah, We DO have a lot in common. Year 7 was life altering in our marriage as well. We celebrated 13 years this past April, but it took some major butt busting to get us to this point. I look forward to meeting you too!
June 2nd, 2011 at 10:18 am
Thanks for that passionate post, SugarMama!
I completely agree…
At a very rough point in my marriage, I stumbled upon a book that changed everything. It’s called “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace. The book is hard to swallow and kind of a slap in the face… It clearly outlines how to take responsibility for your marriage and give the rest to God. …powerful.
Blessings!
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 12:58 pm
I haven’t read the book, but I have heard so much about it. I read several books during a tough stage in our marriage, and I continue to read them as a refresher. I also like to learn from others.
June 2nd, 2011 at 10:32 am
To me, divorce is only acceptable in the case of cheating or mental/emotional/physical abuse. I don’t believe in divorce, but I do believe in marriage.
June 2nd, 2011 at 12:19 pm
reading this has me weeping. marriage is a tough and beautiful job. sadly, i have too many friends who have divorced. some after a year, others after more than ten! my youngest brother was married two weeks before me. he was divorced in november. three small children. it stings seeing him hurt in this way. so thankful he is being drawn closer to Jesus through this, but wow, so hard!
patrick and i got real 18 months ago when we moved across country. no friends and no job and high emotions. all of our pain, old and new, and bitterness we didn’t even know was there, just blew up. being forced to be with one another, dealing with difficulties, ripped us brand new hearts. we are better now than ever before, looking forward to the many more married years ahead. god is faithful, full of grace and mercy. even when we are not.
i want to be like jesus. patient, loving always, compassionate, to my family.
if i don’t purpose to stick with this, i won’t. being intentional. daily. that is my goal.
thanks for this. love you.
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Your comment is better than my post…. beautifully written, Hannah. My husband and I have always lived away from family, and that has been beneficial and difficult at the same time. We’ve had to find strength and support in one another, but are also dealt with the loneliness of no family and few friends. It truly does break my heart to see families struggle within their marriage. Isn’t it funny (not really funny… but I couldn’t think of the right word) how when things get difficult in a marriage (like a job loss) we are dealt with the old pain? Things that we thought we had moved passed are brought right in front of our faces again to deal with.
God IS faithful. And you hit the nail on the head… making an INTENTIONAL effort every day in your marriage. It’s daily work. Daily thought. Daily love. Daily pushing forward.
hannah Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 2:47 pm
@SugarMama, amen! on the other hand-i am overjoyed when i see couples(like y’all!) who ARE staying together, loving and living intentionally! what a major encouragement, so thankful. press on!
June 2nd, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Regardless of the horrible experience it is a wonderful passion! Just stopped by from Mama Kat to say hi!
Chris
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Horrible experiences are what lead a lot of people to their passion… do you agree? Thanks for stopping by!
June 2nd, 2011 at 4:38 pm
I love your post, and I agree whole-heartedly. As Sarah wrote, too many people enter marriage not realizing how hard it can be. They place emphasis on the feeling of ‘happiness’ and being ‘in love.’ I am so thankful that I learned in pre-marital counseling that those feelings are fleeting; many couples lose them around three years of marriage. Then they divorce because they think something is wrong when, in fact, they just needed to stick it out and work hard.
Love isn’t a feeling; it’s an action. And I’m not preaching to anyone–I’m reminding myself! Honestly, if my husband and I weren’t Christians who decided before marriage that divorce wasn’t an option, I can find many points in our marriage where I might have packed it in. We are about to celebrate nine years, and we still have hard work to do. I have moments when I question if I would have said ‘yes’ nine years ago, but then I realize that that question is pointless. I need to work at my marriage now and make it the best marriage that I can.
SugarMama Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Great points! And I think questioning is okay. I used to get so scared that if I questioned my marriage in any way that meant it was going to fail. Now I’m honest about our flaws, and then I become proactive in trying to work on them. A few years ago I spoke with an older woman at my church who had just celebrated 50 years of marriage. She told me that there were days when she would wake up in the morning and wonder how on earth she was still married to the man lying next to her. But those days were few. That taught me that it’s okay to have some bad moments; it’s expected. But the key is knowing that those bad moments will happy in ANY relationship…. it’s the working past them that makes it all happen.
June 5th, 2011 at 9:19 am
AMEN SISTER!!!
I have been very blessed to come from a family where only an uncle was divorced. I even have a great-aunt & uncle who were married 75 years before my aunt passed away!
My husband’s parents on the other hand were divorced when he was around 2 1/2.
Our wedding was a nightmare! Those 2 couldn’t get along to save their lives.
At the hospital when I was in labor my MIL had to have her own waiting area OR she followed me around every where while I was having contractions. And then?!!! She kicked my FIL out of the hospital & told him I didn’t want him there! I had my dad call him & tell him to come back!
I informed her after the baby was born that she had 18 years to learn how to deal with him being in the same room as her because they were going to be spending a lot of time together & that he was my FIL just as much as she is my MIL & I don’t tolerate that kind of behavior. I’ve never seen a person’s eyes get so big!
We have a friend who was married & 9 months later he said he was leaving her. He did just that, left, she came home to an empty house & he moved 3 states away. She would call trying to find him, but I never would get involved. He was angry with her for things that happened when they started dating, you know 5 years before he married her!
I know that there are valid reasons for divorce (abuse, etc) but sometimes I think divorce has just become a way out. People forget that Love is a CHOICE not just a feeling.
GREAT POST!!!!
SugarMama Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 8:01 pm
75 years! that is awesome! My husband and I got married earlier enough that we could possibly reach 75 years…. crazy to think about right now!
And what a pain for the wedding and birth of your son. Those are the things that people can not see when they are blinded by the unhappiness. They don’t see what it will do to the future of their family.
August 8th, 2011 at 3:05 pm
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