Daily Dose of Sugar Mama

The SMARTT series stands for “Sugar Mama’s Advice for Raising Toddlers to Teens”. I do not claim to  have all of the answers, but I’ve been a mother most of my life, “raised” several daycare kids, and read a lot of books. I write about what works for our family, while understanding it does not work for every family.

It’s a fact of life, kids are cruel to one another. And it doesn’t matter if someone is thin or chubby, smart or challenged in school… we have all been teased for something or have been the butt of someone else’s mean behavior. I was teased for having too many freckles and for my long skinny legs. I was also teased for having big eyes. And for being friends with boys. I’m just sayin’ that no matter what I did, I got teased.

We all did.

And maybe still do.

But what will you do when you’re a witness to another child being mean to your own? Will you become the growling mama bear and yell at the child? I’ve done that. I’m not always perfect ya know. Sometimes I mess up– a lot of times I mess up. And I’ve been more challenged with this in raising Girl than I was with Teen and Tween. Boys can be mean, but they don’t seem to be as hurtful. Does that make sense? They can throw punches, slam stuff around, and yell, but they don’t get into the vocal side of it– using hurtful words.

Please don’t misunderstand. I know boys can be hurtful with words to one another. I know that there are bullies who destroy the lives of other kids. It just seems that girls start MUCH sooner with all of it.

As I’ve said before, Girl has great self-confidence. It takes a lot to knock her down or get her feelings hurt. But when it does happen my heart breaks for her and I want to step in. A few times I have. Like one time, Girl told me that she was being physically held down on the ground at recess until she told another girl “sorry” for beating her at dodge ball. A few other girls stood around and helped hold Girl down. That incident required a phone call to the school. It’s harassment, and it got out of hand. I then asked Girl to remember how she felt when that was done to her. And to make sure she NEVER made anyone else feel that way. (Girl has never been beaten at dodge ball– she loves that game at recess– and her dodge ball “skills” drives this other little girl crazy, and Girl doesn’t understand it. We females can be silly sometimes, do you agree?)

Recently Girl went to a neighbor’s house to ask if she could play in the water with them. Several neighbor kids were there, but I told her to ask just to be polite. She asked, assuming it would be fine, and one little girl (with her hand on her hip) said “no” to Girl. Girl asked again, making sure she didn’t misunderstand, and the little girl told her “no” again. Girl continued standing there, and tried explaining that she had a swimsuit, she wouldn’t get in the way, etc. I wanted to cry! I could feel her desperation for wanting to be included. And this little girl is always at our house, so it was frustrating.

Girl came home and started to cry. Her feelings were hurt, she didn’t understand why this friend would be so hateful.

So……

I went to the group of kids.

And I asked Little Betty (not her name) if she knew she’d hurt Girl’s feelings. She had a huge smile on her face and shrugged her shoulders. I told her I was surprised she’d act that way, and that hurting a friend’s feelings isn’t something she should be very proud of. I wanted to say more. I wanted to remind her of all of the times she comes to our house and Girl includes hers. And remind her of all of the snacks I’ve given her. And juice boxes. And times I’ve let her stay at the house while her parents ran errands.

When I got back to the house I said to Girl, like before, “Remember how that felt when she didn’t include you, and make sure you are never the reason someone else feels that way.” I reminded Girl that we don’t want to be hateful in return. She is still someone that Girl will play with at some point.  They’ll probably spend several days this summer playing in the water and hanging out with each other.

But a part of me wanted to say “Well you know what Little Betty, me and my daughter are going to go for ice cream and you don’t get any.”

That probably wouldn’t have been nice though, huh? Or a good example.

So, my question is, what would you have done? Or what will you do when this happens to your own child. Because, believe me, it will happen.