What is Too Much Punishment?
This post was written on March 7th, 2011Recently Teen did something that was out of character for him. But as a teenager I realize that is expected and I’m not so naive to think he will NEVER make mistakes or upset me with his choices. It is surprising though when your child DOES do something out of character… especially when it is a bad choice. He and a friend were in on this bad choice together; you know what they say… it’s easier to be tempted when someone else is doing it too. Teen regrets what he did. He was embarrassed and humiliated that so many people had to hear about his wrong doing.
Sugar Daddy and I felt like the punishment he received at school AND the humiliation of so many people hearing about it was punishment enough. We had a long discussion with him, in which he was not happy but suffered through it. That was part of his punishment as well; facing me and his father and explaining to us not only what he did but why he did it.
His friend, on the other hand, was punished harshly by his parents. He will be dealing with consequences for weeks to come and his parents just keep coming up with more punishment. A part of me wonders if we didn’t do enough to Teen? But then the other part of me wonders if they are doing too much? Our sons have never been in trouble. The school was very surprised that Teen and his friend got in trouble to begin with, and said they don’t expect this behavior to be repeated. And let me say, what they did was nothing major. They did not cause any pain or hurt to another person. It was just a thing they did that was a bad choice. They both completely regret it.
I could understand if they had been in trouble in the past that maybe a more severe punishment would ensue, but a first time offense that they were already feeling bad about? I feel like harsher punishment will only make them keep things from us in the future.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel like children shut down when punished harshly on a regular basis? Or do you feel like it keeps them from repeating bad behavior? And if your child gets in trouble at school, how do you think you’ll handle it? Will you be the type of parent that initially freaks out or will you be able to gather the facts and THEN react. I initially freaked out…. but only because the behavior surprised me so much.
March 7th, 2011 at 11:44 am
Considering he isn’t a troublemaker, I would have gone with your approach and agree that harsher punishment would discourage your teen to not be open. I’m curious what others think too.
SugarMama Reply:
March 7th, 2011 at 12:25 pm
That was my concern; too much punishment would only push him away. He was honest with us, and that’s half the battle with teenagers. I’m hoping to hear other views as well… parenting teens is “interesting” to say the least.
March 7th, 2011 at 11:45 am
I don’t have teenagers so I haven’t had to deal with this situation yet but I think that if your child doesn’t normally get into trouble, regrets what they did and understand why it was wrong, and was punished and humiliated as school already then that is enough punishment. I don’t think there needs to be more punishment when this is not normal behavior. If for some reason the bad behavior continues after this event then I would say that more punishment would be needed. Good luck with the teenagers, I have about 6 more years till my oldest hits the teen years.
SugarMama Reply:
March 7th, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Having a teenager isn’t awful, and I hope I don’t scare mothers by the stories I post dealing with Teen & Tween. But it isn’t easy either. Thankfully for the most part my sons have been easy going. I, too, felt like the humiliation was enough. I told them that every choice he makes he needs to be willing to deal with the outcome, whether that be good or bad.
March 7th, 2011 at 4:44 pm
In my opinion, the whole idea of punishing your children is to teach them that there are consequences for their actions. It sounds like to me, Teen made a choice, paid the consequences for the action, and more than likely learned his lesson. You are an amazing mom and I think sharing your daily encounters and soliciting opinions from other moms makes you that much better!
SugarMama Reply:
March 7th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Oh, he learned his lesson alright. And he was completely mortified to have to talk to Sugar Daddy and myself about it. See you this weekend!
March 7th, 2011 at 8:24 pm
I think that no punishment can take the place of having open communication with your children, especially teenagers. You left those doors for communication open, and as long as you feel comfortable with your decision, you did the right thing.
March 8th, 2011 at 12:56 am
yep. it sounds like he had a good dose, facing his parents and publicity!
my son is only two, but i was a troublemaker myself and i learned a LOT from my parents. what works and what doesn’t. punishment doesn’t need to be severe, it only needs to be consistent and effective. you as parents are the judges of what is fitting for each situation. in my opinion, y’all got this one right! also, consistency doesn’t mean always punish the same way for every “offense”, but rather to punish every time they do it. if it is different each time, it seems to stick better. i think mixin’ it up keeps the kids/teens sensitive to making right choices.
but really, i probably have no clue! ha!
but i am thankful for all of your wisdom you share here! xo
SugarMama Reply:
March 8th, 2011 at 7:45 am
You bring up a good point about not using the same punishment every time; that is correct. We don’t take Teen’s cell phone every time he gets in trouble or talks back. We try to make the consequence be in relation to the wrong doing. That’s not always easy… but it works when applied correctly. The mistake I often make is doing before thinking. I get so angry and worked up that I just yell out his punishment before thinking it through. I’m getting better…. maybe by the time Girl is a teenager I’ll have it all figured out!
March 8th, 2011 at 11:28 am
We were in a very similar situation recently and on the fence as to add more punishment or leave it with the school consequences. Because our son rarely gets in trouble, he was completely disappointed in himself and I think that was a bigger life lesson than any punishment we could have added on. I think you made the right choice on this one!
SugarMama Reply:
March 8th, 2011 at 11:48 am
Thank you! And your son dealing with his own disappointment is a huge consequence. My son was the same way… very disappointed in himself. It was a good lesson for us to teach him about choices and that we must deal with the outcome of ALL choices; good and bad.
March 8th, 2011 at 8:56 pm
It’s hard to believe you have a teen!
I think it depends on the child. Kids make mistakes and I don’t think it takes punishment to learn from them. But a kid that’s constantly making mistakes may need more guidance (and not necessarily in the form of punishment…)
SugarMama Reply:
March 8th, 2011 at 9:05 pm
This year I will be the mother of TWO teens. That just gave me slight heart palpitations thinking of it. I will have SO much more to write with two of them in the house.
March 8th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
I have a 1 year old, so no first hand teen experience here, but I was a high school teacher and I saw lots of good kids make poor choices. “Poor choices” should be worked into the definition of teenager because they all do it. It’s how they learn and how they begin to build life experience.
I heard about various degrees of punishment, both from the school administration and the parents and I know that there is no cookie cutter answer when it comes to doling out the right amount of punishment. Different things work for different kids and parents usually know their kids the best.
It sounds to me like you made the right choice with your son. The point of punishment should be to learn about the consequences of our actions and you felt that he already experienced those consequences. I don’t think there is any reason to punish for the sake of punishment.
March 9th, 2011 at 1:45 pm
I haven’t entered the teenage years yet, but from my view point it sounds like you handled it well. If he received punishments at school, was embarrassed by his choices and had to face you and Sugar Daddy, I think you did your job. You are right, if you are too harsh it will just push him away and make him hide future mistakes from you.
Now, if it happens again, that’s a different story. Then it’s time to lay down that law.
That’s my zero-experience opinion anyway.
March 12th, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Sounds like you have a good understanding of your son, and that he has taken this experience and consequence to heart. I think you can trust your mommy instincts with this one. As for your son’s friend, I don’t think we can ever really speak for another family since we don’t fully see the dynamics at home. For some teens, depending on temperament and maturity, more severe consequences may be necessary to get a message across.
Don’t you wish there was just a textbook for this stuff. I sure wish there was. But it is so encouraging to hear what a solid relationship you have with your teen!
SugarMama Reply:
March 12th, 2011 at 6:21 pm
There are books for this stuff… but they all say something different which can be SO overwhelming! You are right, I do try not to judge or speak for other families as I just never know what the full story is behind closed doors.